Reading other peoples journal on their thoughts of the new year made me think, well what do I think about the new year? Which of course, if you know me, know that lead to my brain going off into the deep end of thinking. Firstly, I would like to wish everyone a very a happy new year and hope for the best. But as my emotion thingy says *points upward* I'm feeling quite insecure at the moment, about my friends, my family and my life. I don't know if I'm making the right choices, do I? How do I know that everything I do won't mess me up in the end, and ruin my life? How can I trust those clostest to me when I feel most days I can't trust myself? People want me to trust them, and I want to trust some of them, but I can't or I don't want to trust them? How can I tell the difference between what I feel and what I want? How can I stop all my emotions from running me dead? I suppose I must try and answer this questions. But yet most of the answers will be, I don't know. And that's a problem I've found within myself, I hate not nothing things. It bothers me, it makes me flinch away and makes me uncomfatable. I feel alone, and stupid when I don't know something. Like what to do for homework, or even how to react to something. I feel like I'm alone in this phase between childhood and adulthood, this void of blackness that is nothing-but is everything for kids our age. When leads me to another point, how do I know I'm supposed to be here? What is my damn purpose? I don't have a damn clue and that freaks me out. I hate not knowing where I'm going, I can't stand it. I want to know things, I want to be able to plan my reactings to people. I am very insecure on the inside with myself, I don't know how to react to my friends half the time, I fear that if I react the 'wrong' way I will lose everyone I know and love. People tell me that I'm being silly and that they will love me know matter what, but why should I trust words? Words are nothing but letters and letters are nothing but lines connected together to make pretty pictures. Words can't mean anything and yet for me they mean everything. Everything everyone says I think over, I try and see if they were speaking about something else inbetween the lines. This new year, and every new year brings a load of questions to me and often leaves me lying awake at night-ridden with guilt. Guilt of all that I've done, good or bad. Stupid or smart. I swear it's guilt because I'm here, I'm alive. Everything I do causes me guilt because I could have done something different, I could have been smarter. Why the hell am I like this? I don't want to be like this, I want to be carefree for once, even if only for a few minutes. Even if I'm not thinking about it, it's down there ready to strike when I'm alone, in the dark. By myself and I can't call people cuz then I feel guilty. Is something wrong with me? I just want to give up
.
But I know I can't, but I want to so much. I just want to give myself away and let someone else help me, help me get rid of this emotions or at least learn to control them. My mother once told me that people can control the way they react to things, is that true I still wonder? Because I cannot, no matter what I react on the first feelings, it being anger, sadness, happiness or whatever the hell it is. I react first, think later and thoughts aren't usually very pretty. Usually dark and depressing and I struggle with them.
And not being able to write anything
does not help, because I have found writing is my way out, my way of being able to write and I can't write anymore it seems. *emo Nire*
But after awhile, someone(usually my best friend
) will notice and do something to make me smile, and I love her for that. You know who you are.
But don't worry guys, I struggle with this and I bear my soul to you because I want to but I swear to fucking god if you hurt me you will fucking die.
So don't freak, I'm fine I'm just giving you a glimsp inside my soul.
All I ask, is look inside yourself and find are you truly happy with yourself? Are you happy with who you are?
Look and find yourself.
~A very thougtful Nire~
New Year
Insecure
Euphoric
Which makes me quite emo. Now for those of you who don't me(and I have not f***ing clue my friends don't know who the h*ll I am) I'm Nire. Nickname given to me by Sango, don't why and don't know when; but that's all she calls me now *shurg* Whatever, anywho I'm new to this whole deviantart thing, just to let you know so if I'm seem dense, it's because I'm naïve to the whole thing. I'll put up some stuff I wrote later one *shurg* Okay that's it for now.
